By Oliver Galibert

To say I have a complex relationship with my mother is an understatement.

For a very long time I have felt this needed to be talked about and the reason why it has taken so long is because I keep hoping that things will get better or I will finally be able to move on.

Sadly things have gotten so bad that it may never have an end and I may never move on, and I have to write about it. Eventually, I know that as I continue to write my family will be embarrassed and shamed that their private problems will be public knowledge. It could potentially bring a lot of pain to people. However, it is me who experiences the pain of shame and the pain of suffering and in order to heal that pain, I have to be honest. I am someone who is private, secretive and withholding yet I tell you everything. I’m not sure if I am getting closure as they call it, but even if I don’t get that all I can do is put out my story and the world can choose what purpose it has; to inspire, to warn, to encourage or to make ourselves and our lives feel better, grateful that it’s not happening to you.

Over a week ago, on a Saturday, my mother called me, asking for a plaster (band-aid) explaining that she had cut herself and it wasn’t a big deal. I did not have any and the various cuts on my hand from knife mishandling in the kitchen proves that. We left it at that and I thought nothing of it and she said she bought a pack.

On Thursday I decided to go for a walk to pick up some supplies from the local shop and happened to bump into my mother, after our usual awkward hellos and avoiding of eye contact I noticed that on her face she had a large bruise and a gash just underneath her eye. I asked her why she looked as if someone had punched her and she said to me in the most ridiculous way that she had fallen over after suddenly waking up and the next thing she remembered she was on the floor and her face was bleeding. She had no memory of what had happened, I believed this was a seizure but of course this is a guess. As usual, with many things my mother put it off, ignored it and said she was fine she would be okay. I told her to go to the doctor and look after herself, she refused and insisted for some weird reason that Monday would be the day she would get better. I walked back home upset and angry that she consumed so much of my life. So much of it that I’m sabotaging the one good thing I have in my life right now which is my relationship with my boyfriend, and as I write this we just finished having a fight because of my insecurities and stress and I don’t know how long it can last for and how long he can put up with me.

When I got home I sent an email to the rest of my family describing what I saw and asking what to do. We agreed that the next day (Friday) I would take her to the local walk-in health centre and get her checked out by the doctor not only for the incident but also for the myriad of health problems from not going to a doctor for over 10 years. We all called her and begged her to go with me and I would be there with her and tell the doctor as an outside observer my thoughts, because my mother has a tendency to not reveal the truth, she agreed after a lot of pressure.

The next morning she woke me up, announcing she would not go and did not need to, then she pleaded that if we all left her alone she would go by herself on Monday, that she did not need to see a doctor.

After many screaming matches and her hanging up on me five times, I couldn’t take it any more. Mum then brought out her stalling tactic, she decided she wants to go home to Africa and would call my dad to talk about it, many times my mom has done this to confuse and to frustrate. To deflect from the real problems that bother her because in her mind she thinks we all want to get rid of her. She pleaded with me saying she was not crazy, then told me I was a bad daughter sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend and if I really cared I would come over and cook her food or stop embarrassing her because all the neighbours are laughing at her. At one point she also refuse to speak in English so that my boyfriend couldn’t understand and hear what she was saying as he was on the same size as the Devil and had possessed me.

Through many emails and conversations on the phone with the whole family we decided to allow mom to have Monday, to win again. I know she will not go, and she hasn’t.

It happens again and again she did this when she was meant to get somewhere new to live and when I told her to get a free eye test. I don’t know what is wrong with my mum, what illness she has. I spoke on the phone to a nurse on the nonemergency helpline who told me not to bother with the clinic but admit her into hospital straightaway because she is at risk.

She has been violent to me and has made threats. She is depressed and cold towards me, an example is this Christmas I bought her Christmas presents that are still under the bed today in the same bag I gave her the gifts in. She wears the same clothing regularly even though other options are available to her and she believes that Demons have been sent from satan himself to stop her from bringing about God’s plan for her life and if you were to ask her what that plan was, she has no idea but instead says she has to suffer for her family. She does not realise that her suffering is because of her own actions.

I don’t know what the future holds or if she can be helped. And most importantly I don’t know what to do.